09.30.2014

Distractions and Redirections

Have you ever prayed for a distraction? I have. Every day for the past 3 weeks actually. Ever since everyone else besides me started to hear back from graduate schools. I haven’t heard a word. Not even a no. And all I’ve wanted to do is not think about it which seems nearly impossible.

So I prayed for a distraction. I found a new show to watch on Netflix, reorganized my bookshelf and closet, deep cleaned my bathroom and pretended I wasn’t thinking about it.

I pretended I wasn’t worried that in less than two months  I don’t know where I’ll be living.

I pretended I didn’t care if I didn’t get in anywhere.

I pretended I didn’t feel like a failure.

I pretended I wasn’t worried at all.

So last Thursday, I fasted from graduate school. From thinking about it, from compulsively checking my email, from checking my online applicant accounts, from asking other people where they were going, from bringing it up. And it was beyond difficult. Every time my mind didn’t have anything else to think about, it wandered to what-if’s and I had to consciously steer it away. It took more mental effort to not think about it. I ended the day relieved that I could do it, I could physically not think about graduate school! (More than a small accomplishment)

Then that weekend, I didn’t think about it at all. I spent time with friends celebrating an upcoming wedding, I drank a cup of tea slooowly, I went to a concert, I had conversations that spoke life into the worried parts of my heart, I was shown grace and love in countless ways.

As I came to the realization that I hadn’t thought about grad school once, I began to thank God for distractions to keep my mind from worrying it when He gently helped  me realize that the worrying was the real distraction and He had merely provided a redirection. He opened my eyes to beautiful people and moments and joy that had been so easily robbed by worry about graduate school.

So I’ve stopped praying for distractions, I don’t think God answers that one anyways, I pray for redirection, refocusing and opportunities to see grace instead of seeing potential distress.

I pray you find comfort in the same. As you face this week, may a shift in focus clear the cloudiness that insecurity and unsureness bring.

Full Disclosure– This mentality and motivation is a work in progress. Case in point: I waited to post this because I hoped I would have an answer on my future before I bared my soul on the internet. Not the case. Praying for a redirection as we speak.

Have you ever prayed for a distraction? Has that prayer ever been answered?